It Gets Better

I started off college like anybody else would. I went to my first collegiate football game as a student, stressed over finals, and made some great friends like anybody else would. At the same time, though, something was changing. I later learned that I really was dealing with depression for the first time. It can happen for so many reasons. For me, it was that I was away from my home and family for such an extended period for the first time. I was always extremely close to my family, and then suddenly here I am in a different state than all of them. To make matters worse, I lost a grandparent about halfway through the semester… that certainly doesn't help things!

Things finally came to a head in February of my freshman year. I wasn't sleeping well and was so demotivated towards doing anything that I ended up bombing a test. That’s so incredibly unlike me that I feel like it shocked me into further depression. At this point, my friends ended up noticing how differently I had started acting, and they brought it up to me. I’m so blessed to say that they did, because that was the point where I was able to start working on this very real problem that I had.

I know how hard it can be to notice these small changes in yourself, but thankfully I had others who were willing to point all of that out to me. Thanks to them, I was able to get the treatment that I needed and today couldn't be better. My advice for anybody reading this is if you’re a friend please be willing to look out for your friends and try to talk to them if you notice how differently they’re acting. Sometimes that’s a great push in the right direction.

And finally, if you’re in college and you deal with some major life stress, trust me when I say that it gets better. It may not seem like it at the time, but it really is the case! And also realize that you have so much support here at TCU from people who really do love you and want you to feel happy. College should be the most amazing four years of your life, and you owe it to yourself to not let depression get in the way.

It's OK to Not Be OK

Dealing with grief is something that is difficult to understand until you're the one going through it. Even then, it's difficult to put your finger on how exactly you got through it and continue to get through it. After losing two people very close to me over the past year, the only way I can specifically identify that consistently helped me deal with my grief is my faith.

I had a difficult time admitting to myself that it was okay to grieve. After I lost my second friend, I could see my close family and friends worrying about me and just waiting for me to lose my mind. I felt like it was my responsibility to show them that I was okay. I felt like I was constantly in between wanting to deal with it in a healthy way and wanting to prove that I was unaffected by it. For some reason, openly grieving made me feel like I was feeling sorry for myself and ungrateful for the support that everyone was giving me. Things were constantly up and down, and I couldn't pinpoint what I needed or wanted. The only thing I found consistently helpful was relying on my relationship with Christ. I started reading a devotional and making time to spend talking to God about what was on my heart. I allowed myself to leave class or quickly step out of meetings to read a quick verse and have a moment with God if I felt like I really needed it. These times were the only times when I didn't feel like I had to have my feelings all figured out. In no way did I perfectly present myself to others (I'm sure it was apparent that I was grieving), but I never felt like I could relax or just be upset with no explanation or disclaimer. Strengthening my relationship with God allowed me to be thankful for my circumstances and provided me with more strength than I believe I could have had on my own. It helped me to feel okay with the fact that things were so out of control and to trust that good things would come from these tragedies. This made it easier to deal with the pressure I put on myself to have it together in front of others.

Relying on my faith was the most important thing that I did to grieve in a healthy way. The second most important thing was to take time to myself and allow myself to just be sad. I waited until winter break to do this (three months after my second friend had passed away), but if I was going to do it again, I would have taken time for this sooner. I used time during winter break to do nothing but focus on myself. This was difficult because I was already tired of being sad. However, it was helpful for me to get that out of my system, rather than only partially dealing with it.

Anyways, if I had to give advice for grieving the loss of someone very close to you, I would say two things:

First, do not try to rely solely on yourself. Whether you rely on your faith or your friends and family, accept the situation for what it is and take advantage of the support you have available to you. Second, make time to care for yourself. Don't feel like you have to be okay all the time or everyone around you will be disappointed. It is okay to not be okay for a little bit, and the people in your life will understand and support you.

Losing My Best Friend

My best friend died by suicide sophomore year. Not only did I not know she was even battling depression, but I could barely even grasp the fact that I would no longer see her. I wish I had known the signs so that I could have asked the questions that would allow her to talk and me to listen. I was devastated when I found out, and I didn’t even know how to react. I’ll admit there were some very low points for me in the weeks and months following her death. I leaned on my friends and family, particularly my sister. I began to talk about her more openly, and realized that the more I reached out, the more positivity and support I received. I started running and becoming more active, maybe in part because I knew she liked being active, and in part to give myself time to reflect. I became more involved on campus and pushed myself into new groups and situations. Although I wish she was still here, I know I cannot change what happened. I wish I had talked to her that day, and at times I've felt guilty for not seeing her that day. But the more I talk about her and remember who she was, the more strength I gain. Even though she is gone, I sometimes see her in others. Oftentimes I see her in myself.