It's OK to Not Be OK

Dealing with grief is something that is difficult to understand until you're the one going through it. Even then, it's difficult to put your finger on how exactly you got through it and continue to get through it. After losing two people very close to me over the past year, the only way I can specifically identify that consistently helped me deal with my grief is my faith.

I had a difficult time admitting to myself that it was okay to grieve. After I lost my second friend, I could see my close family and friends worrying about me and just waiting for me to lose my mind. I felt like it was my responsibility to show them that I was okay. I felt like I was constantly in between wanting to deal with it in a healthy way and wanting to prove that I was unaffected by it. For some reason, openly grieving made me feel like I was feeling sorry for myself and ungrateful for the support that everyone was giving me. Things were constantly up and down, and I couldn't pinpoint what I needed or wanted. The only thing I found consistently helpful was relying on my relationship with Christ. I started reading a devotional and making time to spend talking to God about what was on my heart. I allowed myself to leave class or quickly step out of meetings to read a quick verse and have a moment with God if I felt like I really needed it. These times were the only times when I didn't feel like I had to have my feelings all figured out. In no way did I perfectly present myself to others (I'm sure it was apparent that I was grieving), but I never felt like I could relax or just be upset with no explanation or disclaimer. Strengthening my relationship with God allowed me to be thankful for my circumstances and provided me with more strength than I believe I could have had on my own. It helped me to feel okay with the fact that things were so out of control and to trust that good things would come from these tragedies. This made it easier to deal with the pressure I put on myself to have it together in front of others.

Relying on my faith was the most important thing that I did to grieve in a healthy way. The second most important thing was to take time to myself and allow myself to just be sad. I waited until winter break to do this (three months after my second friend had passed away), but if I was going to do it again, I would have taken time for this sooner. I used time during winter break to do nothing but focus on myself. This was difficult because I was already tired of being sad. However, it was helpful for me to get that out of my system, rather than only partially dealing with it.

Anyways, if I had to give advice for grieving the loss of someone very close to you, I would say two things:

First, do not try to rely solely on yourself. Whether you rely on your faith or your friends and family, accept the situation for what it is and take advantage of the support you have available to you. Second, make time to care for yourself. Don't feel like you have to be okay all the time or everyone around you will be disappointed. It is okay to not be okay for a little bit, and the people in your life will understand and support you.