"Win from Within"

I have been staring at my blank computer screen for a while now, trying to figure out how I could possibly write about depression in less than 500 words. Depression has held such a strong grip over my life for the past 15 or so years and to just put it all on paper could probably fill an entire book. I could write about my dad losing his job when I was ten and then him spending the next 8 years of my life clinically depressed and drunk on the couch, jobless. I could talk about my mom’s battle with depression as she watched her husband wither into an unrecognizable man unfit to raise two children, all while she worked two jobs to keep my family from sinking. I could talk about my own run in with depression, the doctors I visited, the medicine I was prescribed, and the terrible thoughts that went through my mind during high school. I could sit and write all day about how depression destroyed my family, but then again I bet everyone could write about that. There probably isn’t a single family in America who hasn’t been damaged by depression.

Instead I want to talk about the one value in my life that I needed to overcome depression, Fortitude. The word is not commonly used anymore, and I feel that its meaning and value is mistaken for something less than it is. Fortitude is “mental and emotional strength in facing adversity, danger, or temptation courageously” or “strength of mind that enables one to meet danger or bear pain or adversity with courage” It is “mental… strength” and “strength of mind.” Fortitude is not physical strength. Rather, those with fortitude can mentally withstand obstacles and challenges in their paths. Fortitude is what I needed to wake up every day with a smile and get excited about life, even in what felt like hopeless situations. Fortitude is what drove me to leave Las Vegas and my family to head to Texas Christian University. Fortitude is what drove an introverted kid like myself to the first Crew meeting at TCU, an organization I would go on to lead and ultimately jump started a very successful college career.

Depression is in no way easy to overcome, and I still slip back into it. I didn’t just have a fairy tale ending. The point is that you have to have the courage to get out of bed the next day and face the world. You can’t sugar coat what you are facing, accept that it’s a disease and own it. I truly believe fortitude is value everyone needs to take to heart and strive to achieve. I live by the quotes “Keep Moving Forward, and Win From Within” I think that if you can do that every day then you can make little steps and generate enough small wins to put a smile back on your face.

I Owe a Debt

When you tell someone that you are depressed, most people associate it with this overly dramatic idea that you live in a world constantly covered by dark and brooding storm clouds. If they see you laughing with your friends, they will say, “You can’t be depressed! You were laughing and looked happy!”

What people who have never experienced depression don’t understand is that it’s not that every single day is completely terrible – we don’t walk around with permanent frowns on our faces nor cringe at any glimmer of happiness. There can be days where I laugh and periods of time where things are going fine.

But it’s just this overarching dissatisfaction with life that makes me depressed.

I have been dealing with depression for about three years now. I have gotten to the point where I simply feel flat. I don’t really get the point of life - I think it is very pointless. When hearing those statements, naturally that raises a few red flags. And I bet you started to wonder if I were suicidal? Well you would be correct!

(And I know it is concerning to hear me talk about suicide so nonchalantly. But as I previously mentioned, a side effect of depression is feeling flat and apathetic, so I hope you can try to see where I’m coming from. You don’t have to agree, but just try to see it from my perspective.)

So I’ve stated that I’m suicidal. But let me clarify that. I’m suicidal in the sense that I think life is kind of pointless so I really wouldn’t care if I died tomorrow. Having said that, I would never actually commit the actual act. I want to. But I never would. Why you may ask?

Well honestly I care too much about others to do that. When thinking of the effect that my death would have on my family and friends, I recognize how selfish it would be to put them through that pain. I realize that I have control over whether or not they experience pain and sorrow on my behalf, so why would I choose for them to suffer.

But the biggest thing that keeps me fighting is a quote from my favorite book, The Fault In Our Stars, which states, “I owed a debt to everybody who didn’t get to be a person anymore.” There are people in this world who die from cancer or illnesses that can’t be cured. There are people who die fighting for our country and people who die at the hands of a drunk driver. When I think about taking my own life, I think that I have a duty to the people who wanted to live but couldn’t live anymore. They didn’t have a say in the matter. But I do. And I owe it to them to keep battling.