You have permission to find yourself beautiful

I cannot pinpoint the moment it happened, it was sort of like a slide. I started slowly and gained momentum until it was almost too late. I think that is how most addictions begin. You do one thing, like the way it feels, do it again and before you know it that small thing consumes every thought, every action, and is your life.

I remember sitting in my fourth grade math class and noticed my arm was jiggling. I spent about the next 20 minutes looking at every other girls’ arm in my class to see if theirs were jiggling too. That was the first time my weight distracted me from normal life. I went through middle school and high school always concerned about my weight, but never considered myself anorexic. I ate but I didn’t like the way I felt after I finished eating. It was not until the end of my senior year of high school that I began to slowly fall down the slide that is anorexia nervosa.

I had just gone through my first big ‘break-up’ and I found myself struggling to find joy in everyday life. I was so depressed I couldn’t even get myself to eat dinner and as a result of a limited appetite, I began to lose weight. For the first time in a few months I found something to get excited about…going down a pant size! Before I knew it, I could not go a minute without thinking about my weight. I would not chew gum because I knew it had calories; I would skin my grapes because I figured that would save calories; and I ran EVERY TIME food went into my mouth. I ate an apple, I ran five miles. Two months later I had shed 30 lbs, went from a size 6 to a size 2, and was told my heart was in danger.

For the last two months of summer I went to therapy every week, had a personal nutritionist, and I was not allowed to exercise. By the end of summer I had gained 15 lbs and was considered “healthy enough” to go to college—to make a long story short.

Things started off great at TCU! I was making friends, rarely thought about my weight and always reviewed the notes my therapist sent me. I was right on track to recovery. It was not until Halloween 2010, that the slide I had begun to crawl back up took a turn for the worse and I was sliding back down. I can’t remember the exact moment I fell back into the disease, but before I knew it I was throwing up in my room, working out after every meal, feeling sick every time I looked into a mirror, and eating a diet that consisted of lettuce, apples and water. By Thanksgiving break I was at 95 lbs and had lost 20 lbs in one month. I remember the tears in my mom’s eyes as she picked me up from the airport and noticed the weight loss. Her daughter was at it again.

Looking back I think the hardest part of the disease was seeing how much it affected my family. My parents are the best parents anyone could ask for. Therapist after therapist would question me about them as if they were trying to place the blame on my mom and dad for being “too controlling” or “too critical”. That was most definitely not the case. Believe it or not, you can have an eating disorder and have a great family and home life. I had an unhealthy relationship with control and with food. Plain and simple.

I spent the next year and half overcoming both anorexia and bulimia, and it will be 2 years this June that I have been “sober” from both addictions! It is not like life is all smooth sailing now. I will ALWAYS struggle with food. I will ALWAYS feel the need to work out after I eat. I will ALWAYS have an unhealthy relationship with food. It is being strong enough to remind yourself that there is more to life than being rail thin that stops you from acting upon those demons.

I think the best thing anyone ever told me was “you have permission to eat”. Oddly enough, having someone say that to your face in the middle of such dark times does something to you. I know everyone is different, but I hope anyone who reads this knows there is more to beauty than being skinny. You are created the way you are for a specific reason and trying to change that will only kill you. You have permission to eat. You have permission to find yourself beautiful.

A Simple Conversation

This past year, I had a friend commit suicide. To be honest, I didn’t even believe it when I got the call from one of my friends after it had happened. He was always so loving and caring to everyone around him that it shielded his inner depression from the world. Apparently he had been suffering with depression for quite some time and had also been battling other issues as well: anger, alcohol abuse, etc. This really hit me hard because I had no idea he was suffering.

After I got off the phone with my friend, I immediately began to blame myself for not reaching out to him more. I should have jumped on more opportunities to talk to him. I should have invested more of my time getting to know him. I should have been a better friend. However, I realized that blaming myself wouldn’t change the situation. Therefore I started devoting more of my time to others around me. I began serving more at my church by becoming a leader of first impressions for the college/career ministry there. In this position, I was able to meet so many different people, which provided me the opportunity to speak encouragement in their lives. I have learned that through the giving of myself, I have received more than I could have ever imagined.

Sometimes a simple conversation can have a big impact on individual’s lives. A one-minute chat could mean the world to another person, just because it shows you care enough to talk to them. I hope and pray that people understand the importance and value in investing time in other people. Individuals suffering with depression, anxiety, anger, grief, stress, etc. have to be able to understand that they are not alone.

Losing Control

For the past two years I have really been struggling with anxiety and start to freak out whenever I feel like I am “out of control” in certain situations. It all started two years ago when I got into a horrible car accident. Normally I am pretty easy going and I take whatever comes my way. I would say I’m pretty laid back. However, it wasn’t until this car wreck that I started to notice a change in myself. I have never been through anything like this car wreck and it got to the point where in the middle of it happened I thought that I was going to die. I couldn’t help this feeling but I legitimately thought that it was the end and all I could think about is how is this happening. The car was out of control hydroplaning before it crashed. I didn’t realize it would affect me the way it did. Ever since then, I have to be in control of everything and I have been getting more and more anxious about random things that have never bothered me before.

There are a couple things I have realized this year that have helped me overcome this feeling. You definitely have to tell people how you feel and what is going on in your life- I didn’t tell people for a while how I felt about the accident and then it got to a point where I would bring it up later and I started tearing up every time I talked about it. It is best to get it out in the open and let others know what you are dealing with. It is a huge help! I also relied more on faith, family, and friends. Really count on and trust these people in your life. It is surprising how I can feel so out of control and then either read the Bible or call my parents and tell them what’s going on and instantly feel more relaxed and calm. So many people have anxiety and there are so many outlets to help. I am also a huge runner partly because of the work out, but mostly because it is how I de-stress. That time is where everything calms down and I feel much more in control of my life. Just remember- take control of your life! It is not what happens to you in life, but how you handle what happens. You can handle it any way you want to - it is your life!