I Owe a Debt

When you tell someone that you are depressed, most people associate it with this overly dramatic idea that you live in a world constantly covered by dark and brooding storm clouds. If they see you laughing with your friends, they will say, “You can’t be depressed! You were laughing and looked happy!”

What people who have never experienced depression don’t understand is that it’s not that every single day is completely terrible – we don’t walk around with permanent frowns on our faces nor cringe at any glimmer of happiness. There can be days where I laugh and periods of time where things are going fine.

But it’s just this overarching dissatisfaction with life that makes me depressed.

I have been dealing with depression for about three years now. I have gotten to the point where I simply feel flat. I don’t really get the point of life - I think it is very pointless. When hearing those statements, naturally that raises a few red flags. And I bet you started to wonder if I were suicidal? Well you would be correct!

(And I know it is concerning to hear me talk about suicide so nonchalantly. But as I previously mentioned, a side effect of depression is feeling flat and apathetic, so I hope you can try to see where I’m coming from. You don’t have to agree, but just try to see it from my perspective.)

So I’ve stated that I’m suicidal. But let me clarify that. I’m suicidal in the sense that I think life is kind of pointless so I really wouldn’t care if I died tomorrow. Having said that, I would never actually commit the actual act. I want to. But I never would. Why you may ask?

Well honestly I care too much about others to do that. When thinking of the effect that my death would have on my family and friends, I recognize how selfish it would be to put them through that pain. I realize that I have control over whether or not they experience pain and sorrow on my behalf, so why would I choose for them to suffer.

But the biggest thing that keeps me fighting is a quote from my favorite book, The Fault In Our Stars, which states, “I owed a debt to everybody who didn’t get to be a person anymore.” There are people in this world who die from cancer or illnesses that can’t be cured. There are people who die fighting for our country and people who die at the hands of a drunk driver. When I think about taking my own life, I think that I have a duty to the people who wanted to live but couldn’t live anymore. They didn’t have a say in the matter. But I do. And I owe it to them to keep battling.